What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 12:08
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I think the readers, may guess!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Who then, do I blame.?
She wouldn,t have been !
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
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Was to survive, this bastard.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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She loved him until the end.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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I was 9 years of age.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I will be 64.
Can you tell me something about yourself?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
So whats the point in blame.
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
What is a good comeback for when someone calls you flat?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I could never make a relationship work though!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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He knew the spot.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
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It was going to be , some day.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I write beautiful poetry .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Comes on , in middle age.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
So, i spoilt her more .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
One cannot live in the past .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I don,t even have a pension.
Put me off passion for life!!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But it wasn’t much.
I was scared of men, in general
Ive learnt so much.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was seconnd youngest,
Im dying but, im not bitter.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She was in good health!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Would this be the day?
But ive been too sick for many years..
What did i know ?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I waited trembling.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Especially a lifetime of it.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And i lived it daily.
I was very sick at this time too.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He resisted the act ,that day.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My family never makes their pension either.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I have no regrets .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She found it foreign!.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My life is so biszare .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I never cut or harmed myself..
We were not on the streets..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We all went to grammer schools
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
(And it was in our own minds.)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
This is soul school!.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
All the time i was locked up.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Im still living with it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She married twice! .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
When she asked me how she looked .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I said to her
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But, we were locked up after school.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)