What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 00:31
So, i spoilt her more .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
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She was in good health!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
(And it was in our own minds.)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
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The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Comes on , in middle age.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Why is my ex mad I moved on when he dumped me?
I don,t even have a pension.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Were you ever in love with your teacher?
I write beautiful poetry .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We all went to grammer schools
And i lived it daily.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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She loved him until the end.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Put me off passion for life!!
I think the readers, may guess!
I will be 64.
I was scared of men, in general
Why am I sweating so much when I try to do anything?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
This is soul school!.
I was very sick at this time too.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
What did i know ?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I said to her
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We were not on the streets..
Ive learnt so much.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She wouldn,t have been !
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I could never make a relationship work though!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Im still living with it.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
All the time i was locked up.
But, we were locked up after school.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Was to survive, this bastard.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
It was going to be , some day.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She found it foreign!.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Who then, do I blame.?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Would this be the day?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She married twice! .
He knew the spot.
My life is so biszare .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was seconnd youngest,
I was 9 years of age.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
As i do to all so called friends.?
When she asked me how she looked .
But it wasn’t much.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
One cannot live in the past .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I have no regrets .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My family never makes their pension either.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Especially a lifetime of it.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I waited trembling.
So whats the point in blame.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He resisted the act ,that day.